tall frappucino, please!
What I Really Learned at College While I Was Pretending to Learn About Other Stuff |
Mon Jun 07, 2010 Molly Labell @ 02:16 PM |
Sexanomics 101: Who supplies the sexy sex, and who demands it? |
Sun May 02, 2010 Elizabeth Cady Stanton @ 02:16 PM |
Woah woah woahhhhhhhhhhh,
What’s going on here, ‘Sex and the Dimple’? It’s one thing to write about the necessity of snagging some dome in the Dimple. That’s one thing, and it’s okay because it makes sense.
It’s quite another thing to start lecturing about the intricacies of sex-giving, sex-trading, sexual investments, the New York Sex Exchange and all the other sexy financial stuff that is included in the study of Sexanomics (which is a real subject with an FYS and everything).
For example:
Another question college students must constantly ask themselves is the opportunity cost of a hook up or relationship. Is the time spent with a significant other worth the trade of spending less time on homework, or with friends? In a hook up situation, is the girl you are about to hit on worth the four drinks you will probably buy her, or the time that could be better spent doing keg stands with your bros?
Opportunity cost? That’s absurd and totally insane. The “opportunity cost” of a hott hook-up is what, maybe a handle of vodka + Taxachusetts sales tax? I don’t know what the liquor stores around Norton are charging, but when I was at Wesleyan you could get a plastic cauldron of vodka for less than $11, and a twelve pack of rubbing alcohol nips for even less!
Besides, what’s with all this speculative “do-you-have-time-to-hook-up” mumbo-jumbo? We know how the Bros and the Biddies choose to spend their time. Yes yes, we already have all the data, thanks to the Wheaton College Honor Code Survey:
STUFF THAT BROS DO A LOT, IN PERCENTAGES
STUFF THAT BIDDIES DO A LOT, IN PERCENTAGES
So let’s analyze the data: As you can clearly see, the Bro spends plenty of time each day GETTING THOSE BITCHES (represented by the color blue), basically the same exact amount of time as the Biddie spends GETTING THOSE CUTE GUYS (WHY DOESN’T HE RESPECT ME??), which in the Biddie pie is represented by the color poop.
I don’t want to confuse you with complicated economy words but basically this means that everyone has herpes.
Yours Always & Forever,
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Everyone who writes for Wesendonk is graduating or already dead; so write for us? |
Mon Apr 26, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 12:37 PM |
Let’s be real: This was a major bust year for Wesendonk. Sure, it had its moments, but how long do moments last, maybe a few seconds? Point is, we lost our focus and now the two or three people who contribute to Wesendonk every other month are graduating. Does this mean it’s over for poor Wesendonk? Yes, it does! ……NO, NO IT DOESN’T. Because you are going to write for Wesendonk. Yes, You.
Wesendonk has “blogged” about all sorts of things: The Sudan Divestment Movement, dropping out of college and eating lots of LSD, staying in college and then eating all of the Queen’s swans, what happens when you inject 10,000 mochaccinos between your toes and then try to write a senior seminar paper, how the New York Times LIED about a bell tolling, and uh, mutant Middlebury students who turn into French people and then solve mysteries.
This is your chance to write whatever the hell you want on the Internet. This is also your chance to not write for the Wire.
And you should take this chance.
Email Riley at waggaman_riley@wheatonma.edu.
Save Wesendonk!
This week’s ‘Sex and the Dimple’ is not crazy enough for my refined crazy palate |
Sat Apr 24, 2010 Elizabeth Cady Stanton @ 10:20 AM |
I beg your pardon,
But what the fuck? Yesterday Frederick Douglass was giving me one of his famous sponge baths whilst reading me this week’s Sex and the Dimple thingy, and, um, well, my main beef with this week’s column is that it seems almost reasonable. Far too reasonable for Sex and the Dimple at least (or any other section of the Wheaton Wire now that I think about it).
Honestly, “Be brave Wheaton and go for those unrequited loves!” ??? Yeah, but what about Facebook Stalking or just Normal Stalking, both tried & true? I mean, it’s almost as if this Sex and the Dimple Author is suggesting Wheaton people shouldn’t be such insecure douchebag-children all the time. That sounds logical and rubs me the wrong way.
Simply put, where’s the crazy? Sure, this week’s column has a sprinkling of sexy Sex and the Dimple words, words like “sexually aroused,” “hook-ups” and “time to get busy.” But why no mention of romantic candlelit butt-sex in the library stacks? And where is the reference to Hot & Heavy Furry-Petting, which is the “D” in BDSM?
This total lack of crazy gives me the heebie jeebies, and I demand an apology from someone important at the Wire or The Park Hall.
Someone please say sorry to me. That is all I have to say.
You Disappoint Me,
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
You are required by law to attend Aztec Exit Counseling |
Sun Apr 18, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 08:33 AM |
Ah, hello.
What’s this? Oh just another terrible thing we wrote for Arianna Huffington, who hates us and everything we write, by the way.
Plot synopsis: Don’t waste your time with “exit counseling” because 2012, people. Twenty-fuckin’-twelve.
Just click it: Everything You Wanted To Know About Aztec Exit Counseling But Were Too Afraid to Ask.
Wheaton’s ‘Wire’ publishes terrible falsehoods about ‘Nice Guys’ |
Wed Apr 07, 2010 Elizabeth Cady Stanton @ 01:30 PM |
Salaam! It’s me again, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and holy guacamole, have you been reading that Sex and the Dimple thing lately? Last week’s edition was some weepy bullshit about how “guys have feelings too” and how some guys are “actually sort of nice.” Possibly more preposterous: this week’s issue claims “nice guys don’t always finish last.”
Hey Wheaton Wire? BLOW IT OUT YER BUNGHOLE.
Nice guys don’t finish last? Ha-ha. That’s the whole concept behind seventh-wave feminism, you Dolt: fuck as many hott, mysterious and cruel men as possible, tell the quiet “nice” ones to go get bent. (Seventh-wave feminism is also for equal pay, too. Seventy cents to the dollar, people! God dammit, seventy cents can’t even buy you a piece of penny candy these days.)
But that part about “guys have feelings too” is totally true. During my undergrad years at Wesleyan, I hooked up with tons of philosophy and psychology majors, really sensitive guys who had already hooked up with all of my girlfriends because they were trying to find “that special someone” to hook up with for the remainder of the semester.
Of course, back then “hooking up” usually meant “holding hands” or “Cincinnati steamer,” but rest assured, I never Cincinnati steamed with a “nice guy.” Oh hell no!
Stop dreaming nice guys. You will never score inside of Cow Duck. So just accept it. (Better luck in grad school?)
Yours Most Truly,
Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Write-In Candidate for SGA President
The University of the Moon |
Mon Mar 29, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 08:34 AM |
Happy March 29! Ummmmm….OH LOOK your very own High Priestess wrote another “d-log” for the terrible Huffington Post. This time he wrote about the Moon, and how you should move there and start your own university because that’s the fastest way to make money (aside from Facebook, but someone already invented that). Check it out: Dear High School Senior Who Just Got Rejected From __________
Wesendonk writes for the HuffPost, the #1 Brangelina blog! |
Wed Mar 10, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 12:06 PM |
Oh hey, your Wesendonk High Priestess now writes occasionally for Arianna’s Wheaton Wire, Huffington Post College. Check out his first and probably only HuffPo blog-thingy, “Excellence in Higher Education: A Proud And Meaningless Tradition.”
Go Lyons!
Wheaton: Ideally Located Next To Sporty’s, Methadone Clinic |
Mon Feb 08, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 12:41 AM |
HTTP://WWW DOT WHEATONCOLLEGE DOT EDU: Internet Website, or “ironic hipster t-shirt?”
WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW.
Live-Bloggin’ the dickens out of the activities fair, PART II |
Wed Feb 03, 2010 Riley Waggaman @ 04:55 PM |
4:54 PM - Riley Here. Molly is GONE. Hannah is….sipping on beverages. Our booth is squished between Anime Club and Spanish Club. Coinicidence or fate?
5:00 - Molly had no good pictures on her computer. Except for this guy. WHO IS THIS MOLLY?
5:08 - Hm.
5:10 - Oh look somebody with a lightsaber.
5:17 - And a scooter.
5:17 - This is a pretty tame fair. As far as fairs go. In the traditional sense.
5:20 - “WESENDONK?” “I’m good, thanks.”
5:22 - What other things can we shout at people as they walk by?
5:27 - HERE THEY COME. HERE THEY COME. COMIN’ DOWN THE MOUNTAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN THROUGH THE DOORS OF BALFOUR
5:32 - I don’t remember the password to the Wheaton2014 twitter. How will we live-twat now?
5:35 - Answer: We won’t.
5:36 - “I’m on the Rugby team and I’m on the Frisbee Team blah blah blah…” SNOOZE!
5:37 - someone from the fencing clubsocietyteam just gave me the stink eye.
5:41 - gotta go! Hannah will be taking over from here….
5:44 - My first live blog ever, eek! I’ve never felt so alive!
5:46 - I’m starting to feel less alive… there sure are a lot of people avoiding eye-contact with me…
5:48 - One thing I love is that girl that just talked to me. Don’t know her name but would definitely nominate her for the position of someone’s godparent. Not mine but maybe someone else’s. You know how that is…
5:53 - Am I doing this right? I don’t know anything anymore!
5:54 - I’m wondering if they make license plate frames that say something along the lines of, “I’d rather be at Hogwarts!” Can someone get back to me on that?
6:00 - It’s six o’ clock, do you know where President Crutcher is?
6:04 - Today I saw a PUPPY outside chase. He was sitting in mud just asking to cuddle. Another reason to like Wheaton, occasional puppy sightings!
6:10 - I’m feeling a slight draft. Is that coming from the SWSTT (Students Who Support The Tradewinds) club or the door that I’m stationed next to?
6:15 - Scratch that. That club blew off campus with the Bush Administration.
6:16 - I’m feeling confused, weak, shaky. Where’s my intern with my hot chocolate?
6:18 - I wish I had an intern who brought me hot chocolate.
6:19 - NO, a PUPPY who brought me hot chocolate, or better, NUTELLA! Yes, I wish I were surrounded by puppies, some sleepy, some ready to play, but all sporting a jar of nutella on their backs. Ohhhhh!
6:23 - Here’s Jacob Korzun, he’s sporting a swishy orange jacket.
6:33 - Hannah taunts rugby team.
6:34 - Hannah gets a black eye.
6:36 - Really wanna hear about Anime Club’s animes.
6:37 - Turns out the plural of anime is anime. Thanks Anime Club.
6:40 - ~*FaRtZ*~
6:48 - Is what Jacob smells like.
6:55 - Jacob’s licking some creme de la creme right now. In public, Jacob, really?
7:00 - In honor of the hour changing, Hannah intimately reveals that her fur-sona is a golden retriever.
7:00 - It’s ’cause I’m so loyal eat food off the floor, Jacob.
7:11 - No one is here anymore. I think it’s time to pack up! We got 122,762,432 members this year! Thanks fer blagging with us everyone!