11:00 LATE! That girl is LATE FOR CLASS!

11:02 Apparently there was some confusion over whether or not our midterm papers should be double spaced or not. Huh.

11:05 To cochlear or not to cochlear? That was actually the original line in Hamlet. Trust me (Molly). I’m an English Major!

11:08 “We live in a less than ideal world.” True. There is no soft serve machine in Chase! Also, wars and taxes and Jersey Shore.

11: 11 DEBATE TEAM A IS THE BEST! WOMP WOMP!

11:14 Editorial shoutout to Adina! Hi Adina! Debate the shit out of this thing, girl!

11:19 Riley and Molly are seceeding in order to form a more perfect debate team. The Girl to Our Right is totally coming with.

11:26 Our team has split so that we can better strategize. Debate Team A, vol. 1.0 is totally having more fun than us, Debate Team A, vol. 2.0.

11:34 And Debate Team B is having a ball! There’s lots of laughing, lots of smiles.

11:36 Shame on them. Don’t they know this is A SERIOUS MATTER?

11:42 Oh, they do. And they just made good points.

11:55 Riley is Vice President of the UNIVERSE!

12:03 Kid Cudi always has a place for Anthropology Class Debates, Riley. Well done!

12:12 We weren’t listening too closely but did someone just say something like all deaf people are coke addicts?

12:20 TEAM B! WE WON! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! We will! We will! ROCK YOU! We will! We will! Go to our next class! Yeah!

HTTP://WWW DOT WHEATONCOLLEGE DOT EDU: Internet Website, or “ironic hipster t-shirt?”

WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW.

5:44 - My first live blog ever, eek! I’ve never felt so alive!
5:46 - I’m starting to feel less alive… there sure are a lot of people avoiding eye-contact with me…
5:48 - One thing I love is that girl that just talked to me. Don’t know her name but would definitely nominate her for the position of someone’s godparent. Not mine but maybe someone else’s. You know how that is…
5:53 - Am I doing this right? I don’t know anything anymore!
5:54 - I’m wondering if they make license plate frames that say something along the lines of, “I’d rather be at Hogwarts!” Can someone get back to me on that?
6:00 - It’s six o’ clock, do you know where President Crutcher is?
6:04 - Today I saw a PUPPY outside chase. He was sitting in mud just asking to cuddle. Another reason to like Wheaton, occasional puppy sightings!
6:10 - I’m feeling a slight draft. Is that coming from the SWSTT (Students Who Support The Tradewinds) club or the door that I’m stationed next to?
6:15 - Scratch that. That club blew off campus with the Bush Administration.
6:16 - I’m feeling confused, weak, shaky. Where’s my intern with my hot chocolate?
6:18 - I wish I had an intern who brought me hot chocolate.
6:19 - NO, a PUPPY who brought me hot chocolate, or better, NUTELLA! Yes, I wish I were surrounded by puppies, some sleepy, some ready to play, but all sporting a jar of nutella on their backs. Ohhhhh!
6:23 - Here’s Jacob Korzun, he’s sporting a swishy orange jacket.
6:33 - Hannah taunts rugby team.
6:34 - Hannah gets a black eye.
6:36 - Really wanna hear about Anime Club’s animes.
6:37 - Turns out the plural of anime is anime. Thanks Anime Club.
6:40 - ~*FaRtZ*~
6:48 - Is what Jacob smells like.
6:55 - Jacob’s licking some creme de la creme right now. In public, Jacob, really?
7:00 - In honor of the hour changing, Hannah intimately reveals that her fur-sona is a golden retriever.
7:00 - It’s ’cause I’m so loyal eat food off the floor, Jacob.
7:11 - No one is here anymore. I think it’s time to pack up! We got 122,762,432 members this year! Thanks fer blagging with us everyone!

4:34 The Wheaton Times has a way cool banner. God bless ‘em!

4:37 I get so nervous. When people walk by the table.

4:39 HI! this is hannah allen. (the first one)…(the real one)… i just want to say one thing: where’s riley?!????

4:40 one more thing… today i got lost in the science center and it was scary and i needed jacob.

4:41 Er, pardon the interruption, folks! The Law Enforcement Club (they throw an awesome holiday party) has tasered Hannah and the pre-med society has sedated her.

4:43 GC’s are here. Thank god. We were JUST SAYING how badly we wanted to hear an a capella version of “Kiss the Girl.”

5:11 p.m. - Three to four males were reported in a bright red Jeep style vehicle going around soliciting services for Comcast. Comcast was contacted.

Oh Norton! What a goofy thing to solicit.

5:51 PM: I read on WheatonFML that some guy saw a girl in the library down her Adderall with coffee. Thanks for the good idea, WheatonFML.

6:00 PM: Is it my imagination or are the bells playing “Last Christmas” by Wham? This is weird.

6:04 PM: John Lennon died 29 years ago today. And Tiger Woods is having marital trouble. Who can WORK at a time like this?

6:30 PM: First paragraph has the word “however” four times in it. This is going to be a long night.

6:35 PM: You know what’s funny? I have absolutely no recollection of doing homework in high school. None. I know I had a lot because I went to a public school that might as well have been a private one, but I really can’t remember where or when I did it. In all fairness, though, I was in a weird hippie-dust student run program so my homework consisted of a lot of diaramas and collages and essays on the masturbation scene in Their Eyes Were Watching God. And once I had to write a reflection after watching The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd. (Do it, guys. It matches up!) But still–when did I do all of that?

6:36 PM: And field trips! We had a lot of field trips…to go apple picking and visit the animals at the zoo.

6:37 PM: God, high school kicked ass.

6:47 PM: Lovely friends just brought me coffee and a donut. Mmmmm.

8:05 PM: Two pages, double spaced. Christ.

8:25 PM: I can rhapsodize for ages on why abortion restrictions undermine humanity and equality and describe in detail every episode of the first three seasons of Blossom, but if you need me to explain to you the power struggle often mistaken for love in African American literature, LORD HELP YOU.

8: 26 PM: Why would you need me to do that, anyway? Get a life, nerd.

8:29 PM: I’ve moved this dog and pony show to the den. Good idea? Bad idea? It’s hard to tell.

8:31 PM: Oh, okay, bad idea. All my friends are here. Trouble focusing on anything but Super Cookie.

9:00 PM: Remember the Vassar Kiwi Bird I wrote about ages ago? Best Buddy and Vassar student Danny has informed me that it was missing for three months before anyone noticed. Oh, Vassar, you’ve done it again.

10:16 PM: Memory Lane! You look pleasant. I’m going to stroll down you for a minute. On my first day of freshman year, I thought I hadn’t declared my major. I was thinking of maybe studying Linguistics or maybe Art History or Writing (my old college had a separate major). But the jokesters at IC declared an English major for me, and I was put into a an English FYS. My professor (everyone, this is Katharine; Katharine, everyone) was off the chain and my class was about girlhoods in literature so I stayed with the major and here I am. At times I wonder what I was thinking.

10:50 PM: When I make up my resume, under special skills can I put “discussing modernist literary narratives” and “performing a close reading of ‘Danse Russe’ by William Carlos Williams?” No?

11:34 PM: Like a decade ago, I gave my sister a haircut. And it was really, really bad. My dad had cancer when I was seventeen and an hour before he told me, he made me lunch and I didn’t even thank him. And when my hermit crab died in the fifth grade, I was happy because that thing was gross. Sometimes I don’t recycle. I used to use Limewire. Before that, Napster! I forgot about Mother’s Day in the eighth grade. I spilled bong water all over my sophomore year roomate’s clothing and never admitted it was me (EMMA I’M SORRY!). I killed an ant with a miniature Buddha statue I have. Is god punishing me?

1:13 AM: Lots of debate right now at the Den over what exactly is in the Vegan Nuggets.

1:17 AM: Fuck it. No one cares! We’re getting them anyway.

1:23 AM: God, I’m so rude. What have YOU been up to tonight?

1:24 AM: Oh, really? Wow!

1:25 AM: Public Safety! Haha, yeah. Always ruining a good time, I feel ya.

1:27 AM: Okay, shut up. I have to go back to work.

2:01 AM: Back in my room. A poster fell down!

2:03 AM: Do you think that’s a sign?

2:12 AM: WHAT DO YOU THINK REALLY HAPPENS WHEN STUFFED ANIMALS AREN’T AROUND PEOPLE?

3:03 AM: I don’t think I’ve peed in seven hours.

4:33 AM: Yellow wallpaper, yellow wallpaper.

5:05 AM: Seven pages! How did I do that? Time for bed. Good night.

8:00 AM: Good morning!

8:41 AM: Type type type. I have class soon. I should brush my tooths.

11:00 AM: okay, okay. Let’s get this done, Labell.

11:20 AM: jaejierwrjtw98fdbmslaprow!!39480%&(*)!!!!!!!!!!!11

11:44 AM: Trichotillomania, you silly bitch.

12:03 PM: Is it bad that in my final paper for a class entitled “The African-American Novel of Love” I didn’t mention race once?

12:11 PM: Yeah, I think probably. Points off.

12:30 PM: Dance party of one!

12:33 PM: Life needs more dance breaks.

1:00 PM: This baby’s due at 2:00. I’m off to the language lab!

1:22 PM: A few words on the language lab. It is a terrible place. No one goes there to casually do work. It is a place for last minute printing and frantic essay-making. A tense, quiet place. Legend has it Michael Stipe wrote “Everybody Hurts” after writing his sem paper there. Lots of dead eyes. Lots of gumming Tootsie Rolls. Stale air. Silent sobbing. Jean is judging all of us, by the way.

1:50 PM: I have abided by the Wheaton College Honor Code in this work. I have also suffered a silent but outrageous nervous breakdown!

well…bye!

Hi. Elizabeth Cady Stanton here with a public service annoucement: We suck at updating. Whatever. Now there’s WheatonFML and we’re counting down the days until Wheaton gets one of those miserable Good Crush pages so what’s the point, anyway?

THE POINT? Has that ever stopped us?

Of course not.

We will prevail.

CLICK —-> The Wheaton Times

p.s. — We totally have hot scoops for you, hot scoops that would make great STORIES, stories that quite frankly we are too lazy to write. Facebook us or something.

Smell that? Prestige.

UPDATE: Last year we were ranked 50th! What happened? To be quite curt, this is preposterous.