tall frappucino, please!

1) College is only four years. If you aren’t happy, transfer! I did it. Lots of people do it. Didn’t Sarah Palin do it like nine times? There’s no point in paying somewhere $50,000 to make you miserable. No offense, Ithaca College. Go Bombers.

2) Madeleine Clark Wallace library owns a copy of Mrs. Doubtfire! Why? WHO CARES!? Go watch it in one of the viewing rooms, preferably with your two best friends and preferably during a stressful finals week and you’ll have memories for a life time. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll quote it for days.

3) Don’t write off people that you meet drunkenly at parties. Last year, I met one of my closest friends at her house party (5 Taunton, pre Rugby). She was wearing this crazy cape sweater and talking about Denmark or something and trying (or so I thought) to hook up with my friend and informed me, while taking a long drag of a cigarette and holding a goblet of wine, that New York City was “so overrated.” And I thought that was kind of gross to say. But! She turned out to be amazing and now she’s my bestie and I love her very much. Happily ever after.

4) Professors make excellent friends. My advisor for freshman and sophomore years was like my mom. I spent Mother’s Day with her, and had several particularly embarrassing nervous breakdowns in front of her, regarding the freshman 15 and The Vagina Monologues. Also, when I wrote a 20 page paper on like, Kelly Kapoor from The Office or some shit like that for her MODERN FEMINIST LIT CLASS, she didn’t scold me for disregarding all guidelines. Instead, she gave me an A and said it was energetic! My point is, she was really awesome. My other point is that I’m really geeky.

5) Club Balfour < Other Places

6) Lyons Den > Everywhere else

7) Everyone from my high school went to Cornell or UPenn or Yale. I think it’s fair to say that those are pretty well known schools. Wheaton? Not so well known, maybe! But it’s fine if no one from your high school has ever heard of or attended your college (except you, Tim Clarkin, Wheaton ‘05) because your graduation speaker will mess up your graduation speech and then EVERYONE will hear the roar of the Wheaton Lyons. ROAR LYONS ROAR.

8) Having a roommate can be great! Learning this took me a while. My freshman year roommate, who shall remain anonymous, was Nutcakes and had lotsa sex with lotsa Cornell frat guys to the Ja Rule hit parade while I was in our room. I never said anything, and would spend the rest of the night curled up in a ball in my bed on the verge of tears. Oh, it’s so awkward! And then she’d have sex with said Cornell hooligans in the showers and use my towels to dry off. So that was lame. And she was one of those girls who would write “Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.” all over our white board. Ew! And then I lived with my friend, which was fun because she let me wear all of her clothes and she got me into Lost, but mostly all we did was fight. Don’t worry, this story isn’t over! After living in a Meadows North double by myself (unlike everyone else, I love Student Life) for the first semester of junior year, Wesendonk Friend Hannah Allen ‘12 (The One with the Bike, not The One in the Whims) carried me on her back all the way up the hill to Chapin, and then up three flights of stairs to Chapin 301. Oh, she’s very strong. And, as it turned out, is the nicest and funniest person in the history of Persons. We’d do CRRRRRRAZZZY roommate things together, like stay up late and eat lots of candy and play silly tricks on floormate/Donk high priestess Riley Waggaman. This is a very long story, and I’ve forgotten my thesis. Oh yes! Living with a roommate can be great.

9) When you have your own blog, you can tell the entire internet about how great your roommate was, for no apparent reason!

10) Without sleeping and only eating Easy Mac for an entire week, you too can work to reform Wheaton’s sexual misconduct policy, study for two exams, and write four essays totaling 35 pages or so. Because of that, you can then completely hallucinate and proceed to fall asleep during your last final, and STILL graduate with a perfectly acceptable GPA.

11) You lose a lot of things in college. Like socks, or your virginity. But you also gain a lot of things, like knowledge (not me, but some people, I heard) and friends (I LOVE PARENTHESES).

Ah, yes, college can be pretty bad, but I, for one, never had more fun. Case in point: I spent this past Saturday night in my jammies gnawing on watermelon rinds and watching episodes of House online. And at 2 AM my mom came into my room and told me to take my laptop off my lap this instant because don’t I know how toxic the heat and energy waves or whatever is to my body and when am I going to get a job? So you may hate on Wheaton—the food! Lower Campus! CONNECTIONS!—but really, it is kind of great. Enjoy it!

What’s going on here, ‘Sex and the Dimple’? It’s one thing to write about the necessity of snagging some dome in the Dimple. That’s one thing, and it’s okay because it makes sense.

It’s quite another thing to start lecturing about the intricacies of sex-giving, sex-trading, sexual investments, the New York Sex Exchange and all the other sexy financial stuff that is included in the study of Sexanomics (which is a real subject with an FYS and everything).

For example:

Another question college students must constantly ask themselves is the opportunity cost of a hook up or relationship. Is the time spent with a significant other worth the trade of spending less time on homework, or with friends? In a hook up situation, is the girl you are about to hit on worth the four drinks you will probably buy her, or the time that could be better spent doing keg stands with your bros?

Opportunity cost? That’s absurd and totally insane. The “opportunity cost” of a hott hook-up is what, maybe a handle of vodka + Taxachusetts sales tax? I don’t know what the liquor stores around Norton are charging, but when I was at Wesleyan you could get a plastic cauldron of vodka for less than $11, and a twelve pack of rubbing alcohol nips for even less!

Besides, what’s with all this speculative “do-you-have-time-to-hook-up” mumbo-jumbo? We know how the Bros and the Biddies choose to spend their time. Yes yes, we already have all the data, thanks to the Wheaton College Honor Code Survey:

STUFF THAT BROS DO A LOT, IN PERCENTAGES

STUFF THAT BIDDIES DO A LOT, IN PERCENTAGES

So let’s analyze the data: As you can clearly see, the Bro spends plenty of time each day GETTING THOSE BITCHES (represented by the color blue), basically the same exact amount of time as the Biddie spends GETTING THOSE CUTE GUYS (WHY DOESN’T HE RESPECT ME??), which in the Biddie pie is represented by the color poop.

I don’t want to confuse you with complicated economy words but basically this means that everyone has herpes.

Yours Always & Forever,

Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Wesendonk has “blogged” about all sorts of things: The Sudan Divestment Movement, dropping out of college and eating lots of LSD, staying in college and then eating all of the Queen’s swans, what happens when you inject 10,000 mochaccinos between your toes and then try to write a senior seminar paper, how the New York Times LIED about a bell tolling, and uh, mutant Middlebury students who turn into French people and then solve mysteries.

This is your chance to write whatever the hell you want on the Internet. This is also your chance to not write for the Wire.

And you should take this chance.

Email Riley at waggaman_riley@wheatonma.edu.

Save Wesendonk!

But what the fuck? Yesterday Frederick Douglass was giving me one of his famous sponge baths whilst reading me this week’s Sex and the Dimple thingy, and, um, well, my main beef with this week’s column is that it seems almost reasonable. Far too reasonable for Sex and the Dimple at least (or any other section of the Wheaton Wire now that I think about it).

Honestly, “Be brave Wheaton and go for those unrequited loves!” ??? Yeah, but what about Facebook Stalking or just Normal Stalking, both tried & true? I mean, it’s almost as if this Sex and the Dimple Author is suggesting Wheaton people shouldn’t be such insecure douchebag-children all the time. That sounds logical and rubs me the wrong way.

Simply put, where’s the crazy? Sure, this week’s column has a sprinkling of sexy Sex and the Dimple words, words like “sexually aroused,” “hook-ups” and “time to get busy.” But why no mention of romantic candlelit butt-sex in the library stacks? And where is the reference to Hot & Heavy Furry-Petting, which is the “D” in BDSM?

This total lack of crazy gives me the heebie jeebies, and I demand an apology from someone important at the Wire or The Park Hall.

Someone please say sorry to me. That is all I have to say.

You Disappoint Me,

Elizabeth Cady Stanton

What’s this? Oh just another terrible thing we wrote for Arianna Huffington, who hates us and everything we write, by the way.

Plot synopsis: Don’t waste your time with “exit counseling” because 2012, people. Twenty-fuckin’-twelve.

Just click it: Everything You Wanted To Know About Aztec Exit Counseling But Were Too Afraid to Ask.

Hey Wheaton Wire? BLOW IT OUT YER BUNGHOLE.

Nice guys don’t finish last? Ha-ha. That’s the whole concept behind seventh-wave feminism, you Dolt: fuck as many hott, mysterious and cruel men as possible, tell the quiet “nice” ones to go get bent. (Seventh-wave feminism is also for equal pay, too. Seventy cents to the dollar, people! God dammit, seventy cents can’t even buy you a piece of penny candy these days.)

But that part about “guys have feelings too” is totally true. During my undergrad years at Wesleyan, I hooked up with tons of philosophy and psychology majors, really sensitive guys who had already hooked up with all of my girlfriends because they were trying to find “that special someone” to hook up with for the remainder of the semester.

Of course, back then “hooking up” usually meant “holding hands” or “Cincinnati steamer,” but rest assured, I never Cincinnati steamed with a “nice guy.” Oh hell no!

Stop dreaming nice guys. You will never score inside of Cow Duck. So just accept it. (Better luck in grad school?)

Yours Most Truly,

Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Write-In Candidate for SGA President

Go Lyons!

HTTP://WWW DOT WHEATONCOLLEGE DOT EDU: Internet Website, or “ironic hipster t-shirt?”

WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW.

5:44 - My first live blog ever, eek! I’ve never felt so alive!
5:46 - I’m starting to feel less alive… there sure are a lot of people avoiding eye-contact with me…
5:48 - One thing I love is that girl that just talked to me. Don’t know her name but would definitely nominate her for the position of someone’s godparent. Not mine but maybe someone else’s. You know how that is…
5:53 - Am I doing this right? I don’t know anything anymore!
5:54 - I’m wondering if they make license plate frames that say something along the lines of, “I’d rather be at Hogwarts!” Can someone get back to me on that?
6:00 - It’s six o’ clock, do you know where President Crutcher is?
6:04 - Today I saw a PUPPY outside chase. He was sitting in mud just asking to cuddle. Another reason to like Wheaton, occasional puppy sightings!
6:10 - I’m feeling a slight draft. Is that coming from the SWSTT (Students Who Support The Tradewinds) club or the door that I’m stationed next to?
6:15 - Scratch that. That club blew off campus with the Bush Administration.
6:16 - I’m feeling confused, weak, shaky. Where’s my intern with my hot chocolate?
6:18 - I wish I had an intern who brought me hot chocolate.
6:19 - NO, a PUPPY who brought me hot chocolate, or better, NUTELLA! Yes, I wish I were surrounded by puppies, some sleepy, some ready to play, but all sporting a jar of nutella on their backs. Ohhhhh!
6:23 - Here’s Jacob Korzun, he’s sporting a swishy orange jacket.
6:33 - Hannah taunts rugby team.
6:34 - Hannah gets a black eye.
6:36 - Really wanna hear about Anime Club’s animes.
6:37 - Turns out the plural of anime is anime. Thanks Anime Club.
6:40 - ~*FaRtZ*~
6:48 - Is what Jacob smells like.
6:55 - Jacob’s licking some creme de la creme right now. In public, Jacob, really?
7:00 - In honor of the hour changing, Hannah intimately reveals that her fur-sona is a golden retriever.
7:00 - It’s ’cause I’m so loyal eat food off the floor, Jacob.
7:11 - No one is here anymore. I think it’s time to pack up! We got 122,762,432 members this year! Thanks fer blagging with us everyone!